I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
