I just saw a hot homeless man
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
