the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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