you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
