just tell him i said nine months
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
