I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
