Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
