Nicole vs. Life
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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