You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
