i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
