There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i dont even know how to be here
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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