if i can run in heels then i can drive
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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