literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you're hired as official boob wrangler
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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