Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Found the puke drawer
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
