after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
