you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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