Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
how does that bad decision feel?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
