OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
