I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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