Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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