My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
