My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
