chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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