Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
