just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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