Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
