If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
