I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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