Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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