Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
