You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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