My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
