Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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