When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
