I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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