I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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