Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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