I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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