her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
