Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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