It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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