I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
