Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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