and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
