So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
