Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
