I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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