i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
