i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
