Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I need a beard to bite.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
