You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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